Owlspotting

Office culture — and the mockery of it — is a mostly American sport. But as multi-nationals take over the world and corporations plant roots in every open field from Bangalore to Babadag (one day…) the culture of these hierarchical monsters will embbed themselves in unsuspecting youths who have not cried rivers of tears over a Dilbert cartoon or an episode of The Office that might as well have featured their own daily experience.

I have been fortunate to avoid an Office Space workplace and reading Max Barry‘s brilliant noir satire Company is making me pledge (to myself) that I will stay away from any place that aims to “build and consolidate leadership positions in its chosen markets, forging profitable growth opportunities by developing strong relationships between internal and external business units and coordinating a strategic, consolidated approach to achieve maximum returns for its stakeholders.”

So, all you Bangalorians and Babadagans waiting to drive your cars every morning into the underground garage of a high-rise that looks like a putrid stick of butter, think again. Look at every floor of the building you work in as an extra circle of hell. Dante set the limit for those a long time ago. It’s nine! Now you’ll understand why it sucks if you work on the 10th floor and management is holding an audition for secretaries at the indoor pool up on the 39th floor.

Here’s more wisdom from Barry’s depicition of the corporate ethos. Below is a beautiful and concise explanation of why employees — you, me and all the others not managing stuff — are annoying and should be avoided at any cost (read: at the cost of outsourcing).

The problem with employees, you see, is everything. You have to pay to hire them and pay to fire them, and, in between, you have to pay them. They need business cards. They need computers. They need ID tags and security clearances and phones and air-conditioning and somewhere to sit. You have to ferry them to off-site team meetings. You have to ferry them home again. They get pregnant. They injure themselves. They steal. They join religions with firm views on when it’s permissible to work. When they read their e-mail they open every attachment they get, and when they write it they expose the company to enormous legal liabilities. They arrive with no useful skills, and once you’ve trained them, they leave. And don’t expect gratitude! If they’re not taking sick days, they’re requesting compassionate leave. If they’re not gossiping with co-workers, they’re complaining about them. They consider it their inalienable right to wear body ornamentation that scares customers. They talk about (dear God) unionizing. They want raises. They want management to notice when they do a good job. They want to know whta’s going to happen in the next corporate reorganization. And lawsuits! The lawsuits! They sue for sexual harassment, for an unsafe workplace, for discrimination in thirty-two different flavors. For-get this-wrongful termination. Wrongful termination! These people are only here because you brought them into the corporate world! Suddenly you’re responsible for them for life?